SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
You Might Also Like
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Last-minute gift idea!
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
peeping toms
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.