him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
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Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Blew my mind.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.