Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
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Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
This is my pinned tweet
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee