Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
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Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Become ungovernable.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.