“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
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Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
☺️
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.