I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
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If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I’d rather fork than spoon.
? 💀
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans: