The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
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My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Blew out my flip flop…
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house