HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
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Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
How wrong was this guy?
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.