Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
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Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Finally!
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
#FunnyLife Insects
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet