Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
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Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
All set.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.