me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
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Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol