No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
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I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?