Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
You Might Also Like
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT