*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
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When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.