Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
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“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”