My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
You Might Also Like
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Wedding planning is organized crime.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.