I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
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I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.