Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Yes my dude