i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
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don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Yes
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation