What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
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Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money