Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
You Might Also Like
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
why no one uses midhusbands
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”