Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
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Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Finally!
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon