I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
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When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before