A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
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THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.