Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
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i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
every. time.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*