They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
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Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes