My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
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I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I get distracted pretty eas
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Möther may I have a snäck
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat