Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
You Might Also Like
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Oops
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.