To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
You Might Also Like
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.