*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
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you stereotypes are all alike
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.