Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
You Might Also Like
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
We decided to have money instead of children.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot