I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
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The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
happy friday
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]