The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
You Might Also Like
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.