Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
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Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.