[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
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Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I love the honesty
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”