pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
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Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested