I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
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my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
kevin is now a local weatherman
Smile they said.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun