don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
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It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu