How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
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Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
For the baby who has everything
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Not today
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?