Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
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1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
What the hell is going on?
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House