It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
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Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Selfie
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Can’t. Being lazy.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.