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“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Is….Is this an option?
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.