I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
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Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Go girl power!
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.