My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
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My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.