Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
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Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
The symmetry is uncanny.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Need this in my life lol
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March