I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
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CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.