I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
You Might Also Like
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
S/o to @funTweeters .
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
R.I.P.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer