if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
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The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
i wish i could marry a nap
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.