Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
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I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
You are what you delete.