I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
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Not😆🤣
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
new shirt idea
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.